By Christina Rowe & Lisa Stokes

Needs Matter More Than Strategy and Tactics in Difficult Conversations

Conflict can be a valuable opportunity if we know how to leverage it well. The majority of conflicts are about strategies and tactics for meeting needs but we rarely go the extra step to identify the underlying NEED.

Every single human wants to be seen, heard, valued, and safe even in the workplace. When behaviors of peers, managers, or clients threaten those needs it can lead to very disengaged or even counter productive toxic behaviors in an attempt to grasp at what they need or in order to push away and protect themselves from their unmet needs.

The next time there is major friction consider these most common needs in the workplace:

Recognition (Seen/Heard)

Valued (Respect / Appreciation)

Safety

Mastery

Belonging / Connection

To Matter

Contribution

Order

Balance

Now in the discussion to resolve the friction, dig in to find the NEED. When we get clear on the unmet need, suddenly there are many more options for moving forward.

For example I negotiated a merger during which the parties at the table went round and round about preserving a out of date building. The owner was insistent that the building be included in the deal or they would walk despite the fact that the building was no longer meeting the organization's needs and required a large sum of money to salvage. When we dug into the situation a bit we discovered that the owner equated the building with community recognition and feared that her organization would no longer have a connection to the community if that building was not kept by the merging organization. Once that need was clear, we were able to identify several strategies for maintaining that community presence that were more cost effective.

Try some of these questions the next time to discover the underlying need that isn't being identified:

• What is the problem we are trying to solve here?

• If you could only use one word to describe what would make this situation better, what would it be?

• If you had a magic wand and could change this situation, what would it look like?

• What do you feel is missing from the [situation] that would make you feel more fulfilled?

• If you could name one thing that changes in the way [problem] has been addressed what would it be?

• Is your voice being heard?

• Does the situation/behavior you described make you feel insecure in your role?

• What do you need in order to move forward?

To learn more about tools that dignify difficult conversations check out these upcoming virtual workshops.